Looking in the Mirror is not always pretty

I often find solace in writing about things that scare me, things that many people would find private and something that shouldn't be shared with the world. Today I am sharing one of those things. I know that one day it could come round and bite me in the rear but I am ok with that. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, it is all me. The authentic me. Liver disease, laugh lines, jelly belly, and perfect stretch marks that remind me of the miracles I named Maaren and Leif. 


almost 3 years ago I attended a parenting course put on by SFU Information Children just after Leif was born (they offered free child care with the course and I figured a couple hours a week to better myself for free... sign me up! Did I mention my children are 18 months apart.. I needed the break and this was an incredible guilt free break). One of the best things I learned is we are not born knowing how to behave.  It is something that is taught. At the time I took this advice with my children in mind, trying to teach my children the best I knew how. 


Since having children my marriage has had it's share of ups and downs, and with good reason.  In the last 4 years there has been a serious lack of sleep, lack of self worth, with little to no time for romance or simply time for one another.  We stopped making caring for one another or ourselves a priority.  We have tried having set date nights but with lack of income those get harder to do, and life starts to take over and it gets lost in daily activity.  Each time we stop making "us" a priority, "things" start mount up.  Life's expectations start to wear on each of us, and our behaviour starts to change. 


This idea of  "we are not born knowing how to behave" has just started to sink in on a deeper level, three years later.  It does not only apply to my raising my children into kind, confident, loving adults, but it applies to myself.

This year, year 33 of my hopefully 105 years on earth is the year of taking a good long and hard look in the mirror.  Discovering who I am, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.  I first blogged about not recognizing the face in the mirror followed up with it's official, I'm what I used to consider old when I learned of health problems. So today I blog of growing up mentally and taking responsibility and being ok with changing to improve myself. I warn you what I am about to write is something I am not proud of, and very few people know about me, but it is me, it is my honest me.

I recently had a wake up call, that I am not always the person I think I am. That my behaviour when I get heated is not pleasant, and it's also not acceptable.  Somewhere along the way I learned that it was ok to say stupid things when left feeling vulnerable, scared, panicked, or simply angry.  I never realized the hurt I could cause by words, I am not a violent person but I am a cruel person when I am backed into a corner. And until a few days ago, I thought it was ok to be like that, that my emotions, that my feelings were ok to express in a hurtful manner,  never once stopping to think about how my actions, my words affected others.  Others more specifically being my best friend, my husband.   It's as though I thought that no matter how terrible I treated him, he loved me and accepted me for who I am and would always be there for me.   Lucky for me, he does love me enough to tell me the truth when it is most needed.


Taking a look in the mirror is not easy, when I stopped and listened to words that have come out of my mouth, and saw the pain I caused someone I love very deeply my whole being cried.  I have never cried so hard in my life, I cried so hard I couldn't stop throwing up.  I have cried for loss, and I have cried for physical pain, but I have never cried when looking in the mirror.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I mean that sincerely.

I look back now to that parenting class I took so many years ago, the class I took for a guilt free break to better myself as a parent.  Who would have guessed that line that has stuck with me through theses years would give me solice and hope for myself.  My behaviour is learned, which by my calculations means I can also un-learn, and re learn.

Perhaps by looking in the mirror I can learn to be the woman I have been striving to raise my children to be, to become the women I thought I was for 33 years.


Until next time,
Aly

Almost Famous

William locks the door. He reaches under his bed. It's a black leatherette travel bag, with tartan design. He unzips the bag -- it's filled with albums. He flips through the amazing, subversive cache of music. Cream's Wheels of Fire...the seminal Bob Dylan bootleg Great White Wonder... the Rolling Stones' Get Yer Ya Ya's Out... The Beach Boys' Pet Sounds...Abraxas by Santana... Jethro Tull's Stand Up... The Mother's of Invention's We're Only In It For The Money... Led Zeppelin...Crosby, Stills and Nash... Miles Davis' Bitches Brew... and The Who's Tommy... with a note taped to it. "Listen to Tommy with a candle burning
and you will see your entire future..."

When Almost Famous came out in 2000, I thought, I am soooo William...but the chick version. I was lucky, I had the best cousins who had a phenomenal amount of LP's...yes I just referred to those black plastic things you put on a turntable. I remember watching a Meatloaf video, Bat Out of Hell, and yes getting turned on at 8. It was hot!

My passion at that age was KISS, don't know why, to this day, but I loved, loved them. I had the red t-shirt, with the sparkly press-on that was ironed on with the 3000 degree iron, Detroit Rock City!!. Loved that shirt. But seriously, what is music to me today?

EVERYTHING! I did that, I listened to music in my room with candles and funny...I am actually doing that right now, but with different technology. I remember when I was a teenage girl, confused and lost, I would sit and listen to Led Zeppelin, Depeche Mode and Crosby, Stills and Nash on my sister's Fisher Price record player and know I would be okay because "momma said that's the way it outta be."

Music has been my saviour and it has expressed how I feel when I could not. Music is such a huge part of who I am as a person. And the older I get, my musical preferences change...I can't stand listening to Guns and Roses anymore, probably 'cause all the work Axel had just turned me the fuck off. And it's funny, I walked around with friends who blared that shit on their boom boxes down Younge Street...thinking I was such hot shit!

I know I'm older and I don't think I will ever stop burning a candle to see my entire future while I have my Ipod playing...but seriously....is U2 now considered "an oldy but a goody"?

But, one thing I know for sure is; if I ever get lonely, I can just go to the record store and visit all my friends (sic).

~Angela

*Sorry no proper citations, too freaking lazy to do it, busy listening to music...

A letter to my daughters....

Dear Naomi and Madelyn,

When I was little, Grandma used to say to me "how do I love thee, let me count the ways..." I never really understood that..."you love me, me?" As a Mother now, to you Naomi and Madelyn, how do I count the ways that I love you both?

Naomi, my love, I think you are beautiful, inside and out. I think you have a strong and independent spirit that will take you far in life. I see beauty in the smile you give your sister when you are teasing her and I see joy when you are helping others, building birdhouses. I love your laugh. You are my first born child Naomi, and although I will make many mistakes parenting you, please know that I only want the best for you and know, I will always be your Momma.

Madelyn, my pussycat, you are a toad! You know how to laugh like a child should, never loose that. You have eyes that sparkle like Naomi, never let them go dull. You have big dreams and enjoy your quiet space. I am watching you grow, into a person, and that is so exciting for me.

My girls, how do I love thee...in so many ways. I work to provide for you, so I can never say no, to Karate or to Sparks camp or to the shoes that everyone else is wearing. I stay up, so I can drive you home from the youth centre and leave work early so I can go to a Mother's day tea. We are a patchwork of lessons, and parties and activities...and I wouldn't have it any other way. You are my children, and I am truly blessed you have picked me as your Mom.

Naomi, Madelyn. I am not perfect. I do the best I can everyday, I try to achieve the best I can everyday because I know you depend on me to do so, and I do it without hesitation. My love for you both overwhelms me at times, that I cry when I know your heart is breaking, when your friends let you down, when you scrap your knee and when you are sobbing in pain. You both are a part of me and I am a part of you.

God speed, my children. When you have children of your own ( after University and after finishing your Masters Degrees!!) you can look down upon your sleeping babes and ask yourselves "how do I love thee."

Always,
Mom xoxo

"El Gallito" Tough Guys .avi

You've met us.. now meet two of our better? halves..
Meet Darren and Brad, claim to fame (other than being El Gallito's Tough Guys) they are the Baby Daddies of Maaren & Leif and Jayden & Ethan:

Is it Thursday AGAIN?

Not much to say this week, so I thought I'd share the lyrics to one of my favorite songs that has been on my mind a lot this week. It's an oldie but a goodie :)

Smile
by Charlie Chaplin


Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

If you're not familiar with this song look it up on u tube. I think Nat King Cole does a beautiful version of it. I would post a link, but I don't know how :)

This song is inspirational for me, not sad. This has been a tough week but I have a lot to be grateful for and even more to smile about. It's all about perspective.

xo
D.

Meheco!

Ashley's blog:

So I'm headed to Mexico in 2 sleeps!!! I've never been. I haven't been to a lot of places, but I'm trying. I'm racked with all these posing questions in my head before we go... What should I bring? What will I wear? Will the weather be nice? Should I get minutes for my phone so I could can phone home?. Mind you I'm only there for one week.
The thought of being so far away from Jayden and Ethan kind of makes me nervous. I know they are in more than capable hands, but I guess in every Mothers thought process there is a little panic and uncertainty. I also know once I hit that hot humid air of Peurto Vallarta, I'll put my worries aside.
So, any tips for the Meheco virgin? So far I have:
1.) Take a 16oz mug with a wide bottom to keep those cold beverages cold.
2.) Have a lot of $1 bills to tip
3.) Have a blast!
I'm always up for an adventure! So if you have any tricks up your sleeves let me know.

How do you blog?

I am so impressed with those who sit down and figure out what they are doing before they do it.  I sometimes wonder if I am alone in the world of "just start and see what happens"... 

I have these amazing ideas of things to write about and then when I sit down my mind goes blank. So instead I just write. 

I am pretty excited on a personal and professional note, my first ad on www.Babyvibe.ca came out yesterday, the ad is not on the website but on their facebook page (in case you're interested) you can find it by clicking on:  Contests and Coupons you have to scroll down, I am the one listed as Silver Fingerprints although the company name is Aly Dahl Designs.  
As I was blogging about that for my work blog and posting on twitter, I came across a list by Portabello West that lists me with 10 other local designers to watch.  Seeing that was the best feeling ever.  And then I stopped to wonder, do you think Ralph Lauren or Tom Ford remembers the first "designer to watch" list they made?  I hope I remember this feeling for the rest of my career.. It's a goody.


When I sat down to write I didn't know what it would be about, and just like most favourite jewellery designs .. they started with a shape and ended a masterpiece.  (Although I am not saying this blog is a masterpiece.. just that I did it and I feel great for doing it!)


My goal for my next post is to write down some ideas to write about and then do that!
So my question to you is.. When you blog, do you have an idea before hand or do you do like I do and sit down and write?