Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Diaries of a Mad Woman

She sat there feeling very alone and scared, frightened, not from the angry women that surrounded her or what she was about to hear. She knew the truth, she knew what had brought her to this moment.  What she was most afraid of was change, fear of the unknown, fear of once again looking in the mirror, digging deep and remembering.  Remembering the many things she witnessed, learned, became and imitated, and most of all she feared she had damaged and taught the two things in this world that meant the most to her.  What if what she learned sitting with these 15 women was that she had done irreparable damage to her children.  What if she learned she was damaged beyond repair and that change wouldn't happen.

As I sat down in the comfortable black leather couch this evening, week two of five, I looked around the room and took note of the women that surrounded me.  They did not look angry, they did not look crazed and not one foamed from the mouth.  When I heard each one of their short stories of what brought them to this place, I realized that I am far from alone and the company I keep is of moms, grandmothers, sisters, lovers, store clerks, teachers, lawyers, they are all of us, the difference is... each one of us for what ever reason is there to change. Each one of us wants to learn, we recognize a need to change.

The first week I sat with these women I was full of emotion, I was ashamed to be there, ashamed to be seen, scared to share. And now this week, a week after learning a few small skills I entered the room excited to share, to learn, to be open and willing to go deeper and further into my soul, into my being.   I am excited to change, the possibilities of learning skills to keep me from saying and doing out of anger, things I can never take back.  I want to live my life with no regrets, but I also want to live my life full of kindness and love. 

As she got in her car to drive home she reflected on the last two weeks and what she learned in these classes,  change would not be easy, if it were everyone would do it, and it would be no big deal. But by being present, being conscious of her feelings and practising QTIP she may just be able to do this.  And then she imagined a life where she never lost her cool, a life where her children heard praise ten times more than they heard her yell.  For the first time in her life she felt as though she was ready to be herself, to be person she was born to be, to act as she wants to act not as she'd been taught.    She was ready to be the Mom, wife, friend she imagined.  Not imitating her parents, but parenting as Alyson would parent. 

I am not saying my parents did not do an excellent job, they did, rather there are things I would like to change about myself.  Things I would like to re-learn as an adult, as a parent, as a wife, as a friend.

Until next time, 
(QTIP = Quit taking it personal)

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